My days look slower in this season of life. I have more freedom to meet with friends, to sit and talk with my love, to take care of my body, to write. I am so thankful for this gift and I could easily say it’s because the kids are all in school. And that circumstance has provided this gift. But in reality that’s simply not true. My slowness is a condition of my soul, not of my circumstance. You see I can still easily make my days dysfunctional by trying to prove myself and checking off my to do list. I can skip lunch and get distracted and get frustrated and make my day a whole bunch of yuck whether or not the kids are here.
What has changed is that I don’t feel like I have to prove anything to be known. What’s changed is that I am content with being small and simply remaining in HIM. Not looking to the right or left but just taking the next right step, the next action he asks me to take. Sometimes that action looks like doing something, but often it just looks like loving my family and loving Jesus. I have long been an advocate for action. Ever since I was baptized, I have freaked out for Jesus and tried to get everyone else to do the same. I mean everyone MUST adopt right!!! This is my passion but it has taken me years to realize it’s not everyone else’ passion or calling. And I do that with everything and Jesus is kinda asking me to chill a bit in these days. Because He’s got this. Not me. If something is going to succeed, there is nothing I can do. And if it is going to fail, there is nothing I can do. His ways are higher and he will see to it that his purposes are not thwarted but fulfilled.
I am beyond grateful for what he is teaching me in these days. I can just simply BE. I can just be in his presence and chase after him and I don’t have to do anything else. When he calls me to action, I can walk forward in it as a brave warrior and live it out with ease, knowing that it is all in his control and that I have nothing to prove.
My past has been defined with easy anger and shame. With spinning my wheels each day to check off a list and feeling like I am never getting anything done. The shame would settle on me like a heavy backpack. I wasn’t really living. I was trying to prove I was worthy and that I could do this life. The truth is I can’t do this life. I can’t do it all. I fail at it every day. But God. My Papa can do it. He gently grabs my hand and says, walk with me. Together, we can. The more I slow down and invite Jesus into my life through scripture, worship, books and study, the easier the yoke is. He promises us that his burden is light and his yoke is easy, I think the problem is we sometimes don’t know how to get to that space. The space where we really truly surrender and give it all to him and TRUST him with every piece of our lives. Instead of inviting him in and seeking him first, I would yell at him in anger because things were so hard and not going my way. I would ask him why he would do this to me? Why did I never have time? Why was I always so frustrated? Oh and the hard truth, the life giving truth, is that my life was out of order. I was seeking to control instead of waking each day in surrender. I would put ME first instead of Jesus first. I would try to do it for him instead of with him.
For the last year, God has been giving me a picture of my hands outstretched, nailed to the cross. I kept thinking that meant he wanted more from me. That I needed to do more for him. I see now that what he meant was that he wanted ultimate surrender. That he needed to hold my arms down so that I would stop trying to be in control and that he finally could be. So thankful for this God who chases us, who loves us, who teaches us, who holds us down so that he can get to us. All he wants is for us to know his deep abiding love. His unending love. All he wants is for us to live life to the full. That’s what he came for. And all I did was run and try to control my own outcomes. I didn’t let him love me how he wanted to.
Beloved, he wants to hold you in his arms. He wants to breathe life into your weary soul. He wants you to stop trying so hard and to just rest and be. He wants you to know that no matter how hard life seems, he’s got your back. He just wants you to seek him and to call him Papa. He just wants you to lay it all down at his feet because he is strong and mighty and he can carry the load. He just wants you to cry out for him because he is aching to fill the void you feel. He wants to fill the emptiness with his love, with his power. He wants you to know that all you need is Jesus. He parts the Red Sea and feeds the five thousand and raises the dead. He can provide any miracle you need. Just ask. And want him more.
Love freely. Live wild. My beloved warriors. Jesus is ENOUGH.
**This is my story, these are my words given to me by Jesus, however they have been heavily influenced by incredible men and women of God. God knows my love language is reading and so he gave me certain messages that he needed me to hear through books. Please check into these resources for further study on the subject of surrender, peace, living small and being present.**
And check out Eugene Peterson. Look him up on you tube and listen to his interviews. He is incredible. Currently reading his book, the Contemplative Pastor.